I'm a Little Tired
by LEAJPEHP
Summary: So Lily's a bit tired... of someone. Three guesses who. She's also a little tired of something else. Figure it out.
1. I Was Up Late

(Lily POV)  
I sat in the Head compartment of the train. I knew that my Head Boy counterpart was Remus Lupin, and I was happy to see him step in.  
"Hi Lily, congrats on Head Girl," he greeted.  
"Likewise Remus. This is going to be a good year, I can feel it."  
"I hope so. So do you want to head down to the prefect meeting?"  
I nodded, getting up and walking into the hallway. "So, did you hear?" he asked.

"Did I hear what?"  
"Peter Bryan's parents withdrew him."  
"The prefect?"  
"Yeah, Dumbledore had to find a replacement."  
"Who is it?"  
"Don't yell when I tell you."  
"Who is it Remus?"  
"James."  
"Okay."  
"That's it?"  
"What am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to yell and scream?"  
"Kind of actually, but if you don't want to, then I guess it's fine. I just thought you would be a lot angrier."  
"I can't get angry anymore Remus. It's just a waste of my time."  
"Who are you and what have you done with Lily Evans?"  
"Let's not dwell on this and just get to the meeting so we can leave the meeting."

We entered the compartment and James exclaimed, "Oh Merlin, this will be a long year."  
I smiled tartly and Remus glared at him before starting the meeting.

"Hello everyone, for those of you who don't know, I am Remus Lupin." He looked at me expectantly but when I didn't speak he continued, "And that is Lily Evans, and we are both from Gryffindor House. We are your Head Boy and Girl. We know that most of you have been doing this for a while and for those you, this meeting is merely a formality. We're just going to go over procedures for the newbies, and then we'll ask for questions and then all of us will be on our merry way. Sound good?"  
Everyone nodded and the Slytherins yawned.

"As prefects you will be expected to patrol the halls from ten to two every night. Lily and I will post schedules in every common room. In addition, one or both of us will be relieving you at two o' clock at which time you will inform us of any detentions and point deductions. As prefects, you have the power to deduct points, but they will not be deducted until they have been cleared by one of us. You will have to fill out paperwork for something as miniscule as even one point. And detentions can be given for students out of bed more than twice. Prior to that it will be a twenty five point, and then fifty house point deduction."  
I handed out the instruction sheets, stopped Bellatrix Black from incinerating it and ignored James asking if he really _needed_ one. As I did this, Remus answered a few questions from the new prefects and one from Narcissa Black. She asked, "Why isn't Evans saying anything?"  
"Anything," I muttered, earning a laugh from the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors.  
Then Remus concluded the meeting.

I left and heard Remus call after me, "Lily hang up a minute."  
I stopped walking and waited for Remus to catch up. Then I began walking again. "What was with you in there?" he asked.  
"I don't know what you mean," I lied.  
"You do too. Lily, that is so unlike you to turn down the chance to be in charge."  
"I thought you had it well under control."  
"Well, I'm flattered, but I still don't believe you."  
"I'm fine Remus, just a little tired. I was up late last night packing."  
"And I was up late last night being a werewolf."  
That shut me up real well. The truth was I was going to talk, but I really didn't feel like it once I knew James Potter was in there. He didn't need any new material. I just wanted a smooth, focused meeting, and I knew that that was what Remus could provide.  
My interrogation was cut short as Peter Pettigrew came running through the train and stopped in front of Remus. He grabbed his arm and dragged him away saying something about how Remus 'just had to see what Prongs and Padfoot had done.'

I would have gone, just for a chance to punish Potter and Black, but Remus was a big boy. He wouldn't let things get too out of hand. I went back to the head compartment and fell asleep. I woke up about thirty minutes from Hogwarts and drew the blinds so I could change into my Hogwarts robes. I put my muggle clothes in my rucksack and took a walk through the train. I swiftly broke up a fight between a pureblood wizard, who was destined to be in Slytherin and an innocent muggle without uttering a word. I took away a fanged Frisbee from a Ravenclaw third year, and cleaned up a fourth year's black eye and his friends boils. I made it back to the compartment and found a frazzled Remus sitting there with the other Marauders.  
He looked up at me and asked, "Where have you been?"

"Oh here and there, breaking up fights, cleaning up wounds, preventing dangerous future wounds. You look like you're having fun."

Peter looked up at me and said, "Remus was hoping you'd show up soon."  
"We weren't," James and Sirius chorused.  
I nodded and said, "Did you need me to do anything specific Remus?"  
"I was just hoping you had done some patrolling while I dealt with my dearly beloved imbecilic best friends."

"In all honesty I've been sleeping up until the last half hour."  
He grimaced and I gave an apologetic look. "James you didn't help?" I asked.  
"I have no idea why I'm prefect. I'm trying to see if I can be the first prefect to be dethroned," he explained.

We arrived at school and Remus told James to just go to the school with the first round of students. Then he dismissed the Slytherin prefects and evenly distributed the prefects from other houses to escort and observe the second through seventh years. He and I did a final sweep of the train platform before climbing into the last carriage with two third years who looked terrified to have the Head students in their carriage.  
"Don't worry," I assured them. "We won't give you a detention as long as you don't breathe."  
Remus laughed at me and the students who were looking at each other frantically as they tried to figure out if we were serious.  
"I'm kidding, I promise."  
They looked relieved as they exhaled and Remus warned me, "Lily, that conversation from before? It's not finished."  
"I'm pretty sure it is Remus," I countered. "And if you don't drop it this instant, you will be too."  
"Point taken," he sighed reluctantly.

**A/N: Rand R. I know Lily is a bit OOC, but that is the premise of the entire story.**


	2. I Was Studying

(Remus POV)  
I decided on spending the first night of my seventh year in my dorm with the rest of the Marauders. This was also tactical to avoid Lily. I knew she was frustrated with me, and I figured I should give her time to cool down. She had strained relationships with James and Sirius, and as Peter became more like them she grew more malicious towards him as well. If I didn't stand out as different from them she would surely group me with them, and that would most definitely make the rest of the year a living hell.

I settled into bed and watched James and Sirius with their ever playful, ever creative banter. James looked at me and asked, "So what's up with Evans? Is it her time of the month?"  
"I don't know, she said she's tired."  
Sirius cut in and said, "That's what you say when it's yours."  
Peter laughed and James smiled. I shook my head, letting him know that he wasn't all that funny.  
"I don't know why she was so rude to me."  
"You're kidding right?" Peter asked.  
James and Sirius glared at him and he shut up. I cleared my throat, "James, you may want to perhaps allow her to initiate any and all contact between you two and then reciprocate in the way she acts towards you. Example: if she asks how your day is, say it is fine and ask her if she'd like help on the Transfiguration essay."  
"Example: if she comes up to me screaming about how I should have been on patrol I can yell at her about how she is a tightwad?"  
"Something to that effect," I laughed.  
"What? Is something funny Remus?"  
"Nothing, just the fact that you find Evans to be so unable to be dealt with."  
"What? It's only with me and I'm not sure why. I love her more than anyone in this school."  
"You're not excellent at expressing it."  
"Any girl in the school would react so well to all the flirting I do with her."  
"I'm not going to even argue that. I think I'll just go to sleep."

"I'll prove it to you tomorrow Moony."  
I snorted and Peter said, "Yeah Moony, he'll show you."  
Sirius muttered for Peter to shut up which he did instantly and James said, "I will."

I woke up the next morning and heard the water running. Sirius was drying his hair and Peter was still asleep. James emerged from the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair dripping water.  
"Hey Padfoot, d'you think if Evans saw me like this then she'd want to be a little nicer?" James asked, gesturing to his abs.  
"I think she would write you up for a dress code violation."  
"I second that," I grumbled, getting out of bed and moving to the shower. I bolted the door behind me and I showered, washing the sleep out of my eyes. When I got out I was fully dressed and I narrowly avoided a paper airplane zooming at me. I reached out a hand and caught it. I unfolded it and found my time table. I had a free period and then second I had to go to Herbology. I looked over at the clock. Breakfast was going to last about thirty more minutes and then I had an hour before second period. I slung my bag over my shoulder and called out, "I'm going to breakfast. You may want to wake Peter."  
I stopped by the Head dorm to check on Lily. I found her asleep on the couch and I walked over to her. I rubbed her shoulder and said, "Good morning."  
She mumbled incoherently and once she saw me her eyes snapped open and she blushed in embarrassment. "Sorry Remus. Is there something you wanted?"  
"Breakfast is over in half an hour. I just wanted to make sure that you were up."  
"I'm glad you did. Thanks. You can go, I'll be down in a few minutes."

I sat in the Great Hall at the Gryffindor table drinking pumpkin juice and poking at some sausage while I 'read' the Daily Prophet. I was more focused on who was coming and going. I was relieved when I saw my friends enter but I was still worried about Lily. About ten minutes before breakfast was due to finish Lily ambled in, sloth-like. Her movements were tired and her eyes were dull. She sat next to me and said nothing, just simply reached out for some toast and eggs. She didn't eat much of what she pulled onto her plate, and what little she did eat, she ate slowly.

I saw James moving out of the corner of my eye towards Lily. I reached out and caught him by the sleeve of his robes and pulled him to me. "Don't you dare, Prongs."

I pulled him to sit on my side that wasn't occupied by Lily and he grumbled about me being a joykill and I said that it was something he might want to pick up on since he was on patrol tonight. Sirius asked, "Do you really think that putting him on patrol is a smart idea?"  
"McGonagall would get suspicious if his name didn't show up at least once," I answered simply.  
Peter said, "So James, are you going to prove that point from last night?"  
James sighed with faux- exhaustion, "If you insist, Wormtail."

He got up and wandered over to the Hufflepuff table where he promptly tapped Susan Boyce on the shoulder and said, "So I've heard that you're rather good at brewing up a strong batch of love potion."  
She immediately gave James her full attention and said, "I'd like to think so. Do you want to find out?"  
"Perhaps, but only if it's a date. Say tonight at seven?"  
"I'll meet you in the dungeons?"  
"Sounds lovely."  
He sauntered back to us and said, "That was the control, and this is the experiment."  
He tapped Lily on the back and instead of turning around as Susan did she merely asked, "Yes?"  
"So Evans, I've heard you're rather good at brewing up a strong batch of love potion."  
"I am very good at brewing Amortentia if that's what you mean."  
"Maybe I can see sometime," he winked.  
"No thank you."  
"Aw come off it Evans, you know you want a date with me."  
"I'd really appreciate it if you were to stop talking to me like that right now," she replied level headedly.  
"Like what?"  
"I feel a little disrespected right now, and if I were you I would stop before I got a detention," she said.

James sat down next to Sirius and I leaned over and apologized to Lily. She shrugged and I asked, "Are you sure you're okay?"  
"I'm a little tired Remus," she snapped. "I was studying!"

I backed off and I looked at James and Sirius as they competed to see who could throw the heaviest breakfast food at Peter before he snapped.

* * *

**A/N: Hello there everyone, now I know some of you may be all, "Lily is so out of character!" I know, it's the story.**


	3. I Was Distracted

(James POV)  
I knew I had patrol that night so when Susan asked me to meet her in the dungeons I knew that I would be able to skip out quite easily. On the way to Herbology I pulled her to the side and I said, "I am so sorry Susan. I won't be able to meet you tonight. I completely forgot that I had prefect patrol."  
"Oh it's perfectly fine. Do you want to partner on whatever it is we're doing today?"  
"Normally I would, but Peter is a bit helpless and I couldn't leave him high and dry."  
"I totally understand. Is Lily anywhere?"  
I knew where Lily was before the words were out of Susan's mouth, but I pretended to look around for her so as not to seem so obvious.  
"Oh! She's over there. I'll leave you two in each other's capable hands."

She smiled over her shoulder as she walked away and I hurried back to Sirius and muttered, "So glad I got out of that one."  
Sirius laughed and said, "Too bad you couldn't get into Evans."  
"In more ways than one."  
We suffered through Herbology and I watched Susan get angry after Lily said something to her. I put my head down and Peter informed me that if looks could kill I'd be a decomposing corpse twelve days ago.

After class Susan came up to me and said, "What the hell Potter?!"  
"Hm?"  
"Really, I was just part of a little experiment with Evans, to prove that she was difficult?"  
"I don't know-"  
"Come off it, Lily told me. You were sitting right next to her as you talked about it. I knew you were into her and I had figured that since you realized she didn't feel the same that you were moving on. Now I see you're now involving other girls in your plays to get her. And let me tell you, that sucks."  
"I'm sorry Susan."  
"Don't even," she cut me off. "If you want her, get her, and don't do it by involving other people. Be a good person."  
"I am sorry though."  
"I don't care."  
"Do you mind my asking exactly what she said to you?"  
"Something like, 'he doesn't plan on giving you a raincheck. He was just proving a point to his friends about what a pain I am and how he doesn't know why.'"  
"Thank you."  
"I don't even know why I told you, but I hope to Merlin you figure out how to treat that girl right."  
"I'm not into Evans," I called after her.  
"Yeah yeah, and Quidditch is a ground sport," she hollered back.

I figured I'd talk to Peter. He was always gracious when I chose him to entertain my latest dilemma, and after disappointing two lovely ladies, I figured I should cheer _someone_ up.

"Wormtail!"  
"Yeah Prongs," Peter bounded over to me immediately.  
"Why do you think Evans is telling other girls about how 'bad' I am?"  
"Payback, definitely payback."  
"For what, pray tell?"  
"For being rude to her."  
"Hmm, interesting input, Wormtail. I appreciate it."

He and I rushed to catch up to Remus and Sirius.

Sirius said, "So I heard Susan give you an earful. What was that all about?"  
"Evans ratted me out."  
"She may do that when you don't take the precaution of lowering your voice when talking about her within earshot," Remus muttered irritably before stumbling away after my favorite red head.  
I watched as he put a hand on her shoulder and I gasped when she turned around and pulled her wand on him. He put his hands up in defense and Lily stowed away her wand before turning and bolting back to the castle.  
We found her in the dungeons for Potions. Professor Slughorn was giving instructions, "Thank you for joining us this morning gentlemen."  
"Sorry Professor," Peter, Sirius and I chorused. Peter paired off with Remus and Sirius and I took the last empty bench. Lily and Snape were in front of us and I heard Snape asking her if she was doing alright. She nodded her head and remained silent. After the fact Snape stared at her as she furiously took notes.

I was angry as I watched him watch her. He had betrayed her, and he didn't deserve to even be within five feet of her.  
After Slughorn gave us the assignment I watched as he nudged her and asked again if she was alright.  
I heard her soft response, "I'm sorry; what? I was distracted."  
"It's fine, I was just wondering if you wanted me to get the toads' eyes."  
"I'll get them."  
I watched her move. It was different from her usual fluid movements. It seemed more mechanical and forced, which was unusual seeing as Lily loved Potions. She was always so confident and she moved around with the poise of a seasoned pro. She never struggled. In fact I recalled the end of their sixth year when Snape was sick she was forced to work alone and she made a better Felix Felices than any pair in the class. I was sure that Slughorn would speak about her for years to come; he was so in love with her capabilities, not to mention the irresistible charm she had up until this year. I don't know where it went.

I watched her for the rest of class. I actually thought I heard her choke out a laugh when Sirius dropped extra toads' eyes into Lucius Malfoy's cauldron while he wasn't looking. I realized that it was actually just her choking on water.

As she left class I said, "Evans, why so glum? Have you finally realized what a sleazeball you partner up with every class?"  
She looked at me like a deer in the headlights (I think that was the muggle expression) and shook her head rapidly before saying, "You have patrol tonight."

Then she turned and dropped her books and I hurried to help her but saw Snape had beaten me to it. She walked away with him and left me standing there dumbfounded. Sirius yanked me away to go to lunch. "Get over her mate. You've already missed that train."  
"Shut it, Pads."  
"You know I'm right Prongs."  
"Not a chance. It's probably just a phase."  
"That's lasted six and something odd years."  
"Shut it."  
"I've hear that Rachel Glindflit is into you."  
"I'm not into her."  
"She and Evans could be sisters."  
"I don't need just another redhead. I don't even like them. Evans is an exception."  
"Whatever you say mate."  
I pulled away from him and hurried to the Great Hall. Lily was sitting at the end of the table nearest the door and it looked as though the book she was reading was about to pull her in by the head. I tapped her shoulder and she looked up at me and I blurted out the first thing that came to mind which was, "What time is patrol?"  
"Ten o' clock," she replied kindly.  
I stood there looking down at her and she asked, "Is that it? I'd like to get back to my book, if that's alright."  
I nodded and walked away as I said, "That's it."


	4. I Was Stupid

(Lily POV)  
After James left me I thought I could get used to this not being stressed out thing. But then, I was a little more than relaxed. I was perpetually tired, fatigued, and exhausted. I also felt that I was sacrificing some of my morals and my personality to be this way. I figured while I was being not myself I would close my book and go do something in the Gryffindor common room. I sighed, making sure I actually wanted to do this, and I signed myself up for Keeper try-outs for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. I had spent a fairly decent amount of time learning to play with some of the girls from Gryffindor over the past few summers and it wasn't unprecedented for me to go fly around the pitch while no one was there. I liked to think that I was pretty good at flying, and I would certainly draw attention as a seventh year trying out for the first time.

I walked away, finalizing my decision. I was trying out for Quidditch tomorrow morning. I went to Transfiguration which the Gryffindors had with the Hufflepuffs. I got paired off with Amos Diggory for the practice that McGonagall wanted to see. It was a review of last year's materials just to see who had kept up to par over the summer. I turned Amos' eyebrows a shade of red similar to my hair, elongated his nose, shortened his ears and made him three inches taller without uttering a word.  
"Impressive work Miss Evans," Professor McGonagall praised.  
I nodded my head and proceeded to transfigure Amos back. He looked at me in awe.  
"What?!" I snapped.  
"Nothing, it's just you did all of that and you didn't say anything! I would really appreciate it if you explained how. It's incredible."  
"It's all practice," was the shortest answer I could give out, other than a shrug.  
"I had better shape up then," he chuckled.  
I shrugged again and he just began to transfigure me. He muttered the spells under his breath and asked, "What did you think?"  
"Good," I answered.  
"Are you alright?"  
"I was thinking," I lied.  
"What about?"  
"Quidditch try-outs," I continued the lie.  
"What for?"  
"I'm trying out."  
He laughed until he saw my confused expression and he went, "Merlin, you were serious."  
"No, he's over here," James cut in.  
Amos laughed and I offered a half smile.  
"What, am I not charming Evans?" James asked.  
"It was very funny James."  
"Oh, okay," he responded dejectedly.

After class was over we went to Charms with the Ravenclaws and I sat in the corner, speaking only when Professor Flitwick called on me. I didn't answer anything wrong, but I wasn't as enthused as most people expected me to be. I did the required spellwork with Remus and we didn't speak other than to cast the spells. Flitwick dismissed us ten minutes early and I went to the common room with Remus. I immediately escaped to my room which Remus could not access due to the spell on the staircase. I was very thankful for it at times like this.

* * *

The next morning I woke at six thirty and headed down to the Quidditch pitch. I was already warmed up when everyone arrived at seven thirty. I walked onto the pitch where James was organizing everyone into groups based on position.  
"There will not be a try out for Seeker, so if you are here for that position it would be in your best interest to leave," James paused while three students left with their heads hung. "There will only be one open Beater position and two Chaser positions as Sirius Black and Nymphadora Tonks-"  
"Just Tonks!" she interrupted.

"- will be retaining those positions respectively. They also will be helping me judge your abilities. You will be judged in attitude, skills and fitness. We're always watching so with that having been said, I would like for all Chaser prospects to remain here, where I will leave you in Tonks' fully capable hands to be put through some drills. Beaters, I will send you to Sirius in the locker room so that he can assess your strength. And Keepers, head down to the goal post. I'll be with you shortly. OH! All try outs will be done by ten thirty, and if you stick around until eleven we will have the final results. If we dismiss you before then, I encourage you to continue practicing and to try out again next year under Tonks' captaincy."

I walked to the other end of the pitch with my broom and the other three Keeper prospects. One was a second year who looked ready to pee himself, another was a very out of shape third year and the last was a girl who was likely just there because James was. I believed her name was Rachel Flitlandglind, or something to that effect.  
James flew over and he said, "In all honesty, your try outs are quite simple. I'll just throw Quaffles at you until you miss. The more you save the better obviously. It doesn't matter how you save them. Afterwards I'll put you through some agilities and I will cut two of you. Then the two remaining will compete in the scrimmage and then the better performer will be our Keeper. The Keeper of the winning team is not necessarily the Keeper. The losing Keeper will be of course welcomed to practice with us to stay conditioned if there is a mishap and we need a sub. Is that clear?"  
We all nodded and he looked up checking off the names on his list. The first three he called weren't present and I listened until I heard, "Lily… EVANS?! You don't play Quidditch!"  
"Clearly I do, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I don't enjoy failing James," I replied evenly as I tied back my waist length hair.

"Um, well now that I know who is and isn't here we will begin. And also, to level the playing field even a little more, all four of you will be using my broom for this exercise. I really get sick of hearing the crap about people having better brooms than others. Who's first?"  
"ME!" Rachel, Glindflit I learned, called out.  
James looked mildly terrified but held out his broom to her and took hers, and kicked off with the Quaffle under his arm. He gently tossed the Quaffle to her and she deflected it, scoffing, "Don't be easy on me, just because I'm easy on the eyes Potter."  
He listened and then hurled the Quaffle as hard as he could at the lowest hoop and she missed by nearly ten yards.  
"Next!" He called.  
"Wait, James, can't I have a redo or something."  
James shook his head as he gave her back her broom and took the one from the second year.  
I watched him intently. He wasn't half bad, but he wasn't very good at returning to a base and it was too easy to throw the Quaffle through the hoop on the right when he was all the way at the left hoop. Nine saves though, it really was fairly good.

The last boy volunteered and he was slightly better than Rachel but tapped out at six saves. I was up. I uneasily mounted James' broom, taking my time to get used to it. When I was ready, I nodded in his direction and he threw the Quaffle at me much more harshly than anyone else. However I was ready for it. He was much more intricate in his attempts to score and by the time I had thirteen saves under my belt, he and I were both panting and he was ready to surrender. He allowed us to go for a quick water break and then put us through some ground sprints and some brief strength exercises.  
After that he called us all in to the center of the pitch with all of the other groups.  
"Alright, after some evaluations we have decided who we will be dismissing, and like I said before, please continue to practice and come back next year, yeah?"  
He took lists from Tonks and Sirius. He read off three names from Sirius' list and he finished, "You have been selected to move on to the scrimmage. Those of you who did not hear your names, you can leave now."  
He did the same with Tonks' list and then he said, "Keepers, those of you staying will be second year Thomas Kepner and Lily Evans."  
Sirius sputtered, "EVANS!? She doesn't play Quidditch. Where are you Lily?!"  
I raised my hand and he hurried over to me and said, "What are you doing?"  
"Trying out for Keeper."  
He barked out a laugh and said, "Well, let's just try you out then."

I smirked and pushed him away gently, eliciting "Oooh"s from those around us. He turned and said, "What are you all looking at? You ought to be looking at your captain!"  
"Nice save," James snorted. "Anyway, we will be putting you into teams now. And remember, just because your team wins or loses, that has nothing to do with if you will be on the team. Your placement or lack thereof on the team has to do solely with your performance this morning.

James waited until Sirius and Tonks had divided up the Beaters and Chasers. He watched everyone fly to their beginning spots and then he blew the whistle signaling the start of the scrimmage. He was there purely to observe and Tonks and Sirius were playing to even the numbers and to be used as a last resort.

I watched as someone sped towards me and then saw Sirius hit a bludger at me out of the corner of my eye. I pushed myself off of the broom using my hands and used all of my strength to balance myself there as I kicked the Quaffle to Tonks and watched the bludger go between me and my broom.  
Sirius gaped and Tonks passed the Quaffle to an auditioning Chaser. Sirius was determined to try me to my limits for the rest of the match until James called it. I was drenched in sweat and ready for water, but I waited, not wanting to appear weak. We all flew into the center of the pitch again and James said, "I saw some really good things today and I know we will have a tough decision ahead of us but you all may go shower and we will have a decision by the time you come out.  
I showered in the locker room and as I got dressed Tonks came in and hollered that the decision had been made. I laughed as her hair changed orange to match her tone. I walked out and found James in the joining area of the locker rooms and I took a seat on the bench and watched as everyone else joined us. He said, "Like I've said before there were some tough decisions but I have made mine. Our new chasers will be Jenny Wittendale and Harrison Bennet. Our new beater will be Peter Rosewood. And our Keeper in a unanimous vote: Lily Evans. Thank you all for coming out."

I couldn't believe I was actually the Gryffindor Keeper. I was now committed for the rest of the year to spending at least ten hours a week with James Potter and Sirius Black. What had I gotten myself into? I clearly wasn't very smart, but rather very stupid.


	5. Trying Out

(Remus POV)  
I woke when I heard some yelling. What was weird was that there was only one voice yelling and I was positive that it was James. I stumbled down the stairs and found him hollering at Lily who had her arms crossed defensively, but wasn't raising her voice above that which would be used in class when one did not want her conversation to be overheard.  
"Bloody hell Evans! You haven't shown an ounce of desire to be on that team in the past six years! WHY START NOW?!"  
"You don't know what I do when you're not around James," she responded coolly and quietly. "But the way I see it is that without me, you will have a not so hot Keeper, which means that the Chasers have to pick up the slack, and you have to time your catching of the snitch just so."  
James' jaw dropped and he continued, "I'm not going to go easy on you just because you were the best one."  
"Sirius made that quite clear when every bludger he aimed was at me."  
"Just wait until you see me."  
"I think I got a glimpse when you were trying me out. I'm not bad James."  
"You had better be just as dedicated as everyone else."  
"I am James. Now are you done hollering at me?" she asked. I noted the tears in the corners of her eyes.

I cut in, "Yes Lily he is done."  
James looked at me accusingly as Lily escaped up her stairs. He said, "How long were you there?"  
"Long enough to gather that Lily is your new Keeper, you're flabbergasted, and now you're angry with her for no good reason. And clearly you don't have any qualms about making a girl cry."  
"She wasn't crying," James dismissed.  
"She was going to. Maybe I should have stayed quiet and let her cry and watch you deal with how bloody terrible that feels."  
"Oh stuff it Moony."  
"Prongs, I'm telling you, you need to be a little more sensitive."  
"Can I tell you something?"  
"Yes," I stated the obvious.  
"I may have had a little inkling of a crush on Lily over the past few years."  
I snorted, "I hadn't noticed."  
"Anyway, I'm thinking that she's not who she was, and I think I'm moving on. Sirius tells me that Rachel Glindflit is into me."  
"What?! You have been in love with Lily Evans for the better part of five and a half years. You can't possibly tell me that you are all of a sudden out of love with her."  
"She's never felt the same way and now she won't even act like she used to," he answered sadly.  
"How do you mean?"  
"She won't get angry. She won't yell. She won't be anything less than civil and it is getting me crazy."  
"I can't even believe that that is getting you crazy. Most people appreciate it when Lily Evans doesn't yell at them."  
"No, that's a part of it. She won't even yell at anyone. It's not just me."  
"Maybe she's changing. I mean if you can fall out of love with her, then that means she can stop yelling at people."

We walked down to lunch and while I sat down with Sirius and Peter. James walked right over to Rachel Glindflit. I heard him begin, "So at try- outs today I noticed that you may not have been the best one there, but you were certainly the prettiest."  
Rachel giggled, "Well, I was there only because I wanted to see you."  
"Well, I'm glad you came. Would you like to go to Hogsmeade together this weekend?"  
"That sounds wonderful!"  
"And, would you like to come sit with me and my friends."  
"Of course," she said excitedly and stood up.  
I cringed as she walked over and I asked, "Padfoot, why on earth would you tell Prongs that Rachel, Rachel, was into him?"  
He shrugged as James sat down with Rachel. I watched Lily enter the Great Hall and she came over to me. I invited her to sit and she shook her head and gestured for me to come with her.  
I got up and followed her out of the Hall and asked, "So what's up?"  
"I really appreciate what you did, but Remus, I don't want you sacrificing your friendships to defend me. I know what it's like to be on the bad side of James Potter."  
I debated telling her that she had never been on his bad side but decided against it and said, "Lily, he was out of line. You're my friend too, and I'm not going to let my friends get hurt. I was watching you before, not James. You looked upset."  
"Thank you again, but- and I don't mean to seem rude- but I don't need you to save me."  
"I can't promise anything."  
She nodded and turned around.  
"Wait, aren't you going to eat lunch?"  
"No, I ate."  
"When?"  
"Uh, um before. I have to go, there's a thing I didn't do. I'll see you later."  
I turned around, confused by her, but then again, she was Lily Evans and there was always a method of sorts to the madness. I went back to the table and Sirius said, "I see you're all buddy buddy with her."  
"Just Head Student stuff," I lied.  
"You couldn't talk about it here?"  
"She doesn't like to talk about people when they're in the room. I'll just appease her," I waved him off.  
Sirius shrugged, James flirted with Rachel, and Peter ate.

I watched later as James kissed Rachel's cheek and walked away with her. Peter said, "I need to be him."  
Sirius laughed and clapped him on the back. "Mate, where do you think he learned it all?"  
I laughed and said, "Yes, that's why Rachel is hanging off of James' arm."  
"I figured I'd let him have at least one small victory."  
"How chivalrous of you," I joked. "So, Evans is the new Keeper?"  
"As much as I hate to say it, she's good. She's wiry, but she's strong."  
"Your cousin is on the team right?" I asked.  
"Tonks? Yeah, she's our lead Chaser."  
"She's good?"  
"She's good."  
"That's good. So Lily?"  
"She's also good. I mean, I hope she keeps it up."

Later that evening I found myself in the Head Common Room with James and Sirius. Peter was sleeping. Lily came down the stairs in her pajamas and asked, "Remus?"  
"Hmm?"  
She saw who was there and she said, "Oh, I didn't realize we had company. Past curfew, no less."  
"They're staying here tonight," I said. "What did you need?"  
"Just wanted to know if you needed help tallying the points."  
"James helped," I lied.  
"Thank you James," she said sincerely. "I'm going to bed; please don't be too loud."  
"Of course," I replied. "Sleep well."

"So what is the deal with Lily?" Sirius asked a while later.

"What do you mean?" James and I asked together, for different reasons though. He wanted to know if she would change her attitude about him. I didn't think James would ever get over Lily. Even if he married someone else, twenty years later, he would still be wondering about her. He would always love her, even though he may not admit it to himself.  
I on the other hand was totally confused. "What do you mean?"  
"I mean, like am I supposed to hate her, like her or tolerate her?"  
"Why would you do any of those things?"  
"I hate her because she won't yell at James, like her because Quidditch, or tolerate because the two things balance each other out."  
"Most people like when Lily Evans isn't yelling at them."  
"She's changing."  
"She's just maturing more than us."  
James said darkly, "I think it's more than that."


	6. Scaring Myself

**A/N: So this chapter is on the Quidditch pitch and just as a brief reminder, Jenny, Harrison and Tonks are Chasers, Peter and Sirius are Beaters, James is Seeker, and Lily is Keeper. As always, feel free to review. I welcome any and all ****_constructive_**** criticism.**

(Lily POV)

Next Sunday morning was my first real Quidditch practice and I was a bit nervous that James wouldwork the hell out of me. I was right to be nervous. He put me through more push-ups, sit-ups and sprints than anyone else. He didn't allow me to get water until Tonks forced him to, and I was near positive he had instructed Sirius to launch bludgers at me, every chance he got. Then at one point he barreled into me, claiming he thought her saw the snitch behind me even though we both knew the snitch was in the box. As he explained, his hand fell from where he had placed it on my shoulder to right above my breast and I uncomfortably pulled away from him, muttering that it was okay.

I didn't get James Potter. Before, when he pulled pranks on me and made fun of me, I knew he was doing it because he had a crush on me. Why boys tease the girls they like, I don't know. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that they treat girls they like the way they treat boys they like. At least then I knew what he was doing. Now, he was just being downright mean to me, and then he would contradict himself by coming onto me. I really needed to have a brief, civil word with him.

I made it through the rest of his ridiculous practice, which spent more time on Keeper practice than anything else. It was only when Tonks let the snitch out of the box that he actually did something. He had Sirius and Peter do whatever they felt was necessary to "sharpen their beater capabilities." Then he just watched as the Chasers threw the Quaffle at me. I blocked nearly every shot and when I didn't, I was forced to do sprints. Then, as I grew tired the Chasers eased up and James snapped at them to throw it harder, going as far as to take the Quaffle from them and show them how to do it properly. As this was going on Tonks flew down to the ball box and let the snitch go.  
It buzzed around behind James' head and Jenny said, "Erm, James?"  
"What?!"  
"I think the snitch is out, over there," she pointed.  
"That's impossible. The snitch is put away."  
"It's not because it's flying around behind you," Harrison disagreed.  
"I'll be back," he muttered. "Keep it up."  
Tonks made sure that they only worked while James could see us and after he caught the snitch he angrily called practice to a halt.

After practice I showered and Tonks said, "Evans, is something wrong? I noticed how tough Potter was on you today."  
"Thanks for the concern Tonks, but I really can't have this conversation while we're-"  
"Naked in a locker room?" she finished.  
I nodded as I looked for my clothes. She threw them at me. "I saw Black nick them after you got in the shower."  
She dressed herself and said, "If you need me to straighten Potter out, just say the word. He doesn't have a damn right to treat you the way he did today. It was unprofessional and inappropriate. If I were you, I'd be filing complaints with McGonagall."  
I nodded and said, "I don't think I'll take it that far, but thank you for letting the Snitch out."  
"Not a problem, anything to cause trouble."  
"You know you're really smart for only being thirteen."  
"How do you know that?"  
I shrugged. I had actually read her file but I wasn't supposed to tell her that. "Anyway, I'll let you go."  
She left and followed after Jenny.

I saw James leaving the locker room as I was looking for my shirt. "Potter!" I called out. "Can I talk to you?"  
He waved bye to Sirius and he came over to me.  
"Evans, I'm flattered, but I'm sorry, I think I'm over you," he said arrogantly.  
"I can't find my shirt," I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest, and bending down to look for it. I picked it up and pulled it on as I said, "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about."  
I looked down at the floor so that I didn't have to look at his face, "James, as of late, I've felt a bit uncomfortable by things you've been doing."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I don't appreciate comments about me coming onto you, I didn't appreciate your little stunt out on the Quidditch field and I don't enjoy being harassed and targeted and bullied. It makes me feel inferior, when in reality I think you and I are equals seeing as I'm Head Girl and you're a Quidditch captain. So please, the next time you think about touching me or making a comment, please remember that and also remember Rachel."  
"What about Rachel?"  
"The girl who is in love with you?"  
"Oh right," he said in embarrassment.  
"You don't like her back?"  
"I just didn't know you knew."  
I said, "James, I may not be your best friend, but I am fully aware of all the things that are going on in my House and with the people I am involved with. For example, did you know that Remus has a crush on Tonks?"  
"What?"  
I nodded and said, "So since you're over me, stop acting like you're not and get Rachel. She'll be good for you."  
"I didn't think you liked her."  
I hesitated and said, "Underneath it all, she's actually quite disciplined and nice. She just prioritizes boys and external appearances higher than I do and that irks me a bit, but she'll be good for you James, and I mean that in the sincerest way possible."  
"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I didn't realize-"  
"Now you know, so let's just leave it alone."  
We stood there awkwardly holding our Quidditch bags, looking anywhere but at each other until James asked, "So Remus and Tonks?"  
"Right! She has no idea, but he really likes her."  
"I'll have to have a word with him; I'll see you tomorrow. Practice is at five at night."  
I nodded and let him leave and get a decent head start on me. I didn't want to walk with him. I didn't want to see him go find Sirius and laugh with him and find Rachel hold her hand and be happy when he made me so miserable. I knew I didn't deserve his abuse. I knew I wasn't warranting his abrasiveness. I shut myself down to avoid it and hopefully procure an easier final year. I was perfectly polite and civil at all times, and as long as people were around James was rude and bitter towards me. The stupid thing was, I didn't hate James Potter. I may have disliked the way he treated me, but I didn't hate him. He was smart and talented. I just couldn't back down from a fight, until I could.  
I didn't feel the need to win. Now, I was scaring myself.


	7. Paying Attention

(James POV)  
I was hard on Evans. I knew it. I also knew I was because I was angry with her. I was angry that she just disposed of our old relationship. That was our thing; the bickering, the squabbling, the hexing, the masking of real feelings. I couldn't believe that she acted like she didn't know I liked her. No, I more than liked her. I was in love with her. I was also angry that I was forcing myself to move on to someone who everyone thought was a more physically attractive Evans.

I wondered if I would ever actually be over her, or if there would always be some voice in the back of my head, nagging me, "What if you'd been nicer? What if you'd been sincere? What if you weren't mean to Snivellus?" I didn't want to regret it, but maybe, just maybe if I forced myself into this relationship with Rachel, I would finally get over Lily Evans.  
I wouldn't let myself see Evans in a positive light. I would be rude to her until my brain just made negative associations with her. I would love Rachel until I felt nothing for her. And it's not that Rachel was a bad person. She was just a touch ditzy and girly. She wasn't nearly as powerful and independent and strong as Lily. Crap, bad things, bad things. Lily was so rude, and she thought she was better than everyone else. There we go, much better, much better.

I found Rachel after I left Evans in the locker room and ran up behind her. I put my hands over her eyes and grinned as I said, "Guess who?"  
She turned around as she squealed, "James!"  
I kissed her quickly and she took my hand in hers, lacing our fingers together as she gushed over how excited she was for the next Gryffindor Quidditch match. I smiled; glad I didn't have to talk about her life. No offense to her, but it was mostly just her talking about her friends and their drama, which I didn't really care for.  
"And so then Susan was like 'Excuse you bi-"  
"POTTER!" I heard a familiar voice yell. No, it did not belong to Lily Evans. I would do anything to hear her yell again. No, I wouldn't. She was so mean. She yelled too much.

I turned around to see Tonks running after me. "Excuse us," she said to Rachel and pulled me towards the Whomping Willow.

"What do you want Tonks?" I hissed.  
"I want you to treat all of your teammates with the respect that you treat me and Sirius with. Particularly Lily Evans. She gave you everything this morning and you were still a total dick."  
She ignored my gasp and plowed on, "And if you do not begin treating Evans with the respect she deserves, I will be taking your captaincy up with McGonagall."  
"You wouldn't."  
"Try me," she retorted.  
"Fine. I'll try. It's just really difficult-"  
"Bull!" she cut in. "You and I both know that Lily Evans is one of the most sincere, honest, real and motivated people ever. She would not be on the team if she didn't have the talent. You even voted her as Keeper James, so get off your high horse and be a good person."  
I nodded fearfully and she said with disgust, "I'll see you tomorrow."  
Sometimes I forgot she was only thirteen. If Remus did really have a crush on her, he was going to have to be careful. She was feisty, but it was admirable, kind of like Li- no. Tonks was great, better than Lily.  
I told Rachel about the Tonks- Remus thing and she said, "Oh, this is so exciting! Are you going to tell Remus? Can I tell Tonks?!"  
"No, no!" I scolded. Then I made my tone gentler as I continued, "I have to talk to Remus first."  
She pouted at me and I consoled, "It's just because Remus and Tonks don't know you as well as I know them. I promise, the more time you spend with them, the more they'll start to like you, I swear."  
She smiled as she nodded at me and I took her hand again as we walked back to the castle for lunch. We sat with Remus and Sirius. Peter was in detention.

"So James, don't you have something to tell Remus?" Rachel prodded.  
I grimaced quickly and said, "I do, but it's really not the time right now. I'll talk to you later."  
"Whatever."  
Sirius said, "Did you see Evans? I nicked her clothes after she got in the shower."  
"Tonks ruined that one," I said ruefully. Then I saw Remus pick his head out of his book at the mention of Tonks' name.  
"That bloody witch. Thinks just cause she's my cousin that we'll allow her to run amuck of our pranking."  
I laughed as I said, "She saw you take them I'm guessing. And then she had the nerve to tell me that I have to 'respect Lily Evans before she takes my captaincy up with McGonagall' or something like that."  
Sirius snickered, Remus looked proud and Rachel said, "That's what she had to say to you!? I have a thing or two to say to her."  
I kissed the side of her head and said, "Don't bother dear."  
"Are you sure because I have some real dirt-"  
"It's alright honey."  
Sirius cut in, "No, I want to know what my cousin's been up to."  
I continued, "No Sirius. So Sirius, first game this Saturday; how is Rosewood shaping up?"  
"He's halfway decent. I saw you working Evans down."  
"I was. I wanted to make sure she's committed."  
"I think she's committed to killing you."  
Remus asked, "Is that what Tonks was talking about, you needing to show Lily respect?"  
"I don't know," I answered before continuing, "I wouldn't be too sure Pads. I mean, she hasn't been herself at all recently. I don't think I need to be on high alert at all times. Wouldn't you agree Remus?"  
"She was never murderous to begin with," he muttered. "What did Tonks say to you about it though?"  
"Like I said, she just wanted to tell me to respect Evans."  
"How did she say it?"  
"I don't know; angrily?"  
"That's not what I meant."  
"I'm talking to you later," I said.  
He flushed quickly and then stuck his head back in his book. Sirius and I tried not to stab our eyes out as Rachel babbled on about her friends and then regained interest as she turned back to Quidditch. I whispered, "Maybe after I could give you a tour of the locker room," to Rachel and she giggled and whispered back, "I would love that."  
I kissed her lips and I looked at Remus until he realized I wanted to go talk to him.

I followed him up to the Head Dorm and saw Lily. She looked from me to Remus and back to me before scurrying up the stairs, saying something about patrol scheduling to Remus.  
"You like Tonks?" I asked bluntly.  
He turned the color of Lily's hair as he nodded and I said, "You know she's only thirteen."  
"I know and that's why I feel I shouldn't like her. That and she's Sirius' cousin."  
"I think you guys would be nice together. She needs a boyfriend, maybe then she'll get off my case."  
"I have to talk to Sirius first."  
"Why?"  
"It's polite James. And I didn't always do it in the past."  
"What do you mean?" I asked suspiciously.  
"I dated Lily in fifth year."  
"You did what?"  
"I dated Lily in fifth-"  
"Why are you telling him that Remus?" Lily asked from her staircase. "I thought that that would stay between the two of us."  
He said, "I didn't see you there."  
"I know. Why are you telling James?"  
"I had to get it off my chest. I'm so sorry."  
She nodded and said, "I'm sorry, that was rude of me. It was your decision too, not just mine. I'm not mad, just a little surprised."  
Remus looked surprised at her sudden change in demeanor from anger to admitting she was at fault.  
Then she said, "Are you talking about talking to Sirius before dating Tonks?"  
"How did you know?" he exclaimed.  
"I pay attention," she shrugged.


	8. I Was Tortured

(Lily POV)

This Hogsmeade weekend I had agreed to go with Remus, but as we checked out the students I saw Tonks come up to him and made up some lame excuse as I didn't want to chaperone and third wheel with them. And I also realized that Remus would be doubling with James and Rachel. Sirius and Peter had detentions and I didn't really have friends after the crap I pulled over the summer.  
I wandered around the village and to the outskirts until I reached the shrieking shack. I knew there wasn't really a monster. It was just Remus. I figured it out in fourth year and when we dated briefly in fifth year he confessed it to me. He felt he should be honest and I appreciated that.  
"Mudblood!"  
I didn't answer. I don't answer to that name. I'm not that. I am a witch.  
"Mudblood!"  
I flipped off whoever was calling me that.  
"Stupef-"  
I turned around and blocked the stunning spell. I saw three Slytherins from my year standing there. I cursed mentally and performed the body bind curse on one of them before disarming the second. I caught his wand before it hit the ground and the third one laughed at me.

"You know that first spell, that's exactly what they used before they killed your dear mum."  
"Shut up about my mum, Avery."  
"What, did I hurt the mudblood's feelings?"  
"No, you should just show respect for the dead."  
"What? You mean I shouldn't talk about how they froze her, and tortured her and made your dad watch-"  
"SHUT UP!"  
"And he watched as she twitched-"  
"I SAID SHUT UP!"  
I watched his wand arm twitch and had time to throw up a shield before the spell hit me. I hurled back a jinx, and then we dueled until he did something that changed the way the rest of the year went.  
"CRUCIO!"  
I knew from Defense Against the Dark Arts that you couldn't defend against an Unforgivable Curse and I knew I was in for a world of hurt. Despite the pain which felt like knives stabbing me while I sat in ice cold water, I didn't let out a single noise. He wouldn't get the satisfaction. He gave me a break and I struggled to catch my breath. "And they did this for a while, and then they killed her."  
"SHUT UP! YOU ARSE! How dare y-"  
"Crucio," he said lazily and the pain resumed. I still didn't scream as I collapsed to the ground; not a single sound was made by my voice. I saw the other boys get up and I heard them. "She's not yelling. I don't think you're doing it right."  
"Would you like to try?"  
The second boy said, "Crucio."  
The pain was even worse. I let out a yelp and the boy smiled in satisfaction and stopped briefly to gloat about it. I took this opportunity to shout, "Immobulus!"  
They froze in their positions and I screamed and cried and drew myself into a ball. I felt someone touch my shoulder sometime later and I lashed out. I felt my nails rake against flesh and heard a voice say, "She's gone mad. Fetch Poppy or Horace for some sleeping draught." I thought it was McGonagall but I couldn't be sure. I screamed as someone tried to get me to roll over. "Remus, hold her down."  
I felt Remus' hands pinning down my arms. I tried to fight back but as I yelled I felt the liquid go down my throat. It went down easily enough and I was out.

I woke up and immediately reached for my wand only to find that my hands were strapped to my bed in the hospital wing. I opened my eyes and found Remus Lupin looking down at me worriedly. I managed to sit up and I looked down at the restraints and back to Remus looking for an explanation.  
"Just in case you were out of it when you woke up," he explained.  
"Remus, they were calling me names and dueling with me and – and Remus, they tortured me."  
"What do you mean?"  
I began to cry, "They used the Cruciatus curse on me."  
His eyes widened with surprised and he wrapped his arms around me. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.  
He pulled away and said, "I'll go get McGonagall. She has to hear this now."  
"What do you mean?"  
"No one was there. You were having a fit of sorts, and no one heard what you had to say. Avery and them, they just said that you went off on them. McGonagall doesn't know what to think."  
Remus was gone before I said anything. A moment later I heard the doors open and McGonagall came and sat in the chair next to my bed and spoke briskly as she untied my hands, "Miss Evans, I need to know exactly what happened."  
"I was walking alone in Hogsmeade," I began slowly. "I heard them shouting at me, calling me a mudblood. I'll admit, I flipped them off."  
I saw the briefest look of amusement flit across my professor's face. "Then, he tried to stun me and I blocked it." I saw pride in her face and I continued, "I used the body bind and I disarmed two of them. Then Avery started talking about my mum. You know they killed her this past summer." She flinched as she remembered. "I told him to shut up and he started dueling me. And he used the Cruciatus curse."  
"WHAT?! Evans, you must be mistaken."  
"I'm not. He said it so clearly, I know that that's what he said."  
"Continue."  
"Avery, he stopped and then kept talking about how they killed my mum and then he started again and one of the other two said he wasn't doing it right and he did it and Professor, it hurt, so much."  
"I'm so sorry Lily."  
"Then I immobilized them and I just lost it. I'm sorry."  
She gripped my shoulders and said, "You, Lily Evans, have nothing to be sorry about. You were a good witch; honorable and brave. You didn't do a thing wrong. They used Dark Magic on you and you used good, clean magic and didn't hurt them. Now, I'll leave you alone. Would you like to see Mr. Lupin again?"  
"No thank you. I just want to go away."  
"I know dear. It gets better, I promise."  
"Have you ever been tortured, Professor?"  
"I can't say that I have."  
"Professor, right now, I feel like I don't deserve to even be alive. I feel like I should be six feet under."  
She nodded sadly and said, "I hope you're okay; they don't deserve the satisfaction."  
I looked at her before I said, "I'm sorry about scratching your face."  
She left, her robes billowing behind her. She left the curtain that shielded me from the rest of the hospital wing, and I assumed that someone had cast 'muffliato' on the sheet since I now heard noise of Madame Pomfrey hustling and bustling about, sorting out real ailments from fake, and I heard her say, "Avery, if you do not leave my infirmary this instant, I promise you I will snap your wand."  
I stood to close the curtain again and Avery strode over to me and gripped me by the front of gown and hissed, "You miserable, insufferable Mudblood."  
"AVERY," Madame Pomfrey screeched. "Leave her alone."  
He ignored her and tried to throw me to the ground, but I didn't fall and I punched him in the face. I felt a satisfying crunch under my fist, much like the one my father told me to expect if I ever had to do that. Avery kicked me in the stomach and Madame Pomfrey had finally made her way over to us. She used her wand to throw Avery against the wall and she held him there while she ushered me back to my bed. She muttered some healing spell under my breath and she closed the curtain behind her. I heard her fix Avery's nose and promptly sent him to Horace Slughorn's office. I pulled the blanket over my head and willed myself to wake up. This had to be a dream and nothing more. It had to be.

**A/N: Constructive Criticism Welcome! Thanks for reading!**


	9. I Was Unconcious

**Last time: ****_Lily was tortured._**

(Remus POV)

I waved good bye to Lily as Tonks arrived. I saw her wink at me as she walked away. Tonks looked up at me awkwardly and softly said, "Hi."  
"Hi."  
We looked at each other in embarrassment until she asked, "Shall we go?"  
I nodded and I didn't know if I should take her hand but it didn't seem that way so we walked next to each other as I asked her a few "getting to know you" questions.  
"Do you have any siblings?"  
"Nope; do you?"  
"None."  
"Favorite color?"  
I watched in amazement as her hair turned hot pink.  
"You're a metamorphmagus?!"  
She nodded shyly and turned her hair back to brown and I said, "That is incredible! You're not going to have to do anything in sixth and seventh year Transfiguration!"  
She laughed and said, "It comes in handy sometimes. It's pretty good for making people laugh too."  
"How do you mean?"  
I laughed as her nose transformed from a human nose to a pig to a duck.  
"I see," I smiled.  
"Do you have any weird capabilities?"  
_I'm a werewolf; does that count? _"I can wiggle my ears."  
"Let me see!"  
I wiggled them and she said, "That's pretty cool."  
"Not nearly as cool as being able to change your hair color like that," I snapped my fingers.  
"If you say so," she answered. "So are we hanging with your friends?"  
"Just James and his girlfriend. Peter and Sirius are in detention."  
"So like a double date?" she asked hesitantly.  
"NO!"  
She looked down dejectedly. I amended, "No, I didn't mean it that way. I just didn't know if you thought it was a date when I asked you and I didn't know if you wanted it to be and I sound really stupid r-"  
"I was hoping it was a date," she cut me off.

Later as we walked through Honeydukes with James and Rachel, I felt Tonks' hand brush against mine a few times and I took it gently. She smiled up at me and squeezed my hand lightly. I watched James get Rachel some chocolate frogs and wondered if I should get Tonks something. It seemed she could tell what I was thinking as she said, "I'm not really into sweets, but I am a bit of a drinker."  
I laughed, "You're thirteen!"  
She winked at me and said, "Everyone thinks I'm fourteen."  
"Still too young," I chastised.  
"What were you doing fourth year, Mr. Marauder?"  
I didn't have an answer and she smirked at me. "That's what I thought."  
We made our way to the Three Broomsticks where I offered to get butterbeer for everyone. I found Madame Rosmerta and asked for five. I paid the money and made my way back to the table. I set down one for James, Rachel and myself and placed the remaining two in front of Tonks.

"Haha," she said with a grin.  
I smiled and took a sip of my own. James wound up drinking the fifth and after a bit of chatting with each other it was clear he wanted to be alone with Rachel. I nudged Tonks and gestured to the two of them. She said, "Remus do you want to walk around some more? We'll see you later, yeah?"  
I nodded and said good bye to Rachel and James before following Tonks out the door. I was glad I had picked someone who could take a hint.  
We wandered dangerously close to the Shrieking Shack and I heard an actual shriek. Actually, it was more of a garbled, pained cry. I cautiously pulled Tonks to the origin of the cry and saw Lily Evans curled up on the ground about ten feet away from three immobilized Slytherins. All three were the sons of Death Eaters.  
"Go find Professor McGonagall. She's usually by Zonko's."  
Tonks ran and I stayed there, waiting and making sure nothing happened. I saw her immobilization charm beginning to wear off on the Slytherins and I took their wands from the ground and drew out my own to keep them from running. I was standing there, pointing my wand at them when McGonagall when she came with Tonks. She immediately bent down over Lily to try to speak with her and I watched Lily reach out and claw McGonagall's face. Blood began to flow from three scratches. I gaped in shock at Lily.  
"She's gone mad. Fetch Poppy or Horace for some sleeping draught."  
McGonagall didn't realize she wasn't surrounded by her colleagues and when nothing happened she looked at me and I realized that she had directed her command towards me. I waved Tonks over to take my spot and I sent a talking patronus to Madame Pomfrey. Moments later she had apparated to in front of me. I took the sleeping draught from her and held down Lily as McGonagall poured the liquid down her throat. She stilled after a moment. I lifted her and McGonagall transported us back to the castle with Madame Pomfrey and Tonks. Madame Pomfrey directed me to an empty bed and set to work. She pushed me and Tonks out of the curtained off area and we stood in the hospital wing waiting for something. When no one came I sat down on an empty bed and Tonks stayed standing.  
"What do you think happened Remus?"  
I looked up and shook my head, "I don't know."  
"I hope she didn't start it."  
"Do you really think that she started it?"  
"Not at all; it's just, they were frozen and disarmed and she wasn't."  
"Circumstantial. She was crying."  
"I know."  
"Mr. Lupin?" I heard Professor McGonagall call me.  
"I'll be right back," I assured Tonks. She nodded and took my place on the bed.

I walked out into the hall and I passed the pathetic Death Eater spawn huddled together on one bed.  
"Mr. Lupin, you need to tell me what happened, and I need the truth. Those Slytherins are likely lying, not that I told you that."  
"Of course Professor. Though I really don't know for certain what happened; I can only tell you what I witnessed."  
"Well, get on with it."  
"I found Lily lying on the ground, crying. The Slytherins were frozen. I sent Tonks to get you. That's it. I swear."  
"You know nothing else?"  
Before I could answer Professor Slughorn came up the steps, huffing and puffing, "Minerva! I came as soon as I could. There must be some sort of misunderstanding. My students would never hurt-"  
"I'm sorry Professor, but if you saw Lily Evans."  
Slughorn's eyes widened and said, "Can I see her?"  
"Later Horace," Professor McGonagall said. "Mr. Lupin. You may go now."

I went back into the hospital wing and greeted Tonks. She stood and wrapped her arms around me. She pulled back and said, "I have to go. You know, a ton of homework, but come get me when Lily wants visitors, or if you just want to hang, yeah?"  
"Absolutely," I replied before walking into the curtained off area. I heard McGonagall and Slughorn starting to argue so I cast 'muffliato' on the curtain and closed it behind me. I saw Madame Pomfrey had tied down Lily's hands. They thought she was dangerous. She couldn't be dangerous. Could she?

I rushed out to McGonagall after Lily told me her story. I repeated what she had said and when I received a doubtful glance I said, "Check their wands Professor. Lily didn't do anything wrong. She was defending herself. I know you don't believe in any dueling magic, but Professor, she says they tortured her. She had to do something, and she didn't even hurt them."  
"I'll look into your cause Mr. Lupin, but I wouldn't become too optimistic," she warned. "It may be nothing more than what we saw."  
I replied evenly, "With all due respect, what we found was Lily Evans crying on the ground."  
"I hope I'm wrong Remus. I want her to be innocent."  
I nodded and left the wing.

**A/N: I know you can't apparate inside Hogwarts. Read, Review, Follow, and Favorite.**


	10. I Was Fine

(Lily POV)  
I sat in the hospital wing for a few days, recovering. While I felt fine, I didn't feel great. I answered only yes or no questions. I ate very little. I did not do the homework Remus brought to me. I did not speak to him while he was here, even though he filled me in on everything that was going on. I asked Madame Pomfrey to show him out the one time he dared bring James Potter with him. I didn't need Potter seeing me while I was down, sitting alone in hospital bed, in a pathetic wrinkly paper hospital gown that made me look like I belonged to an insane asylum.

The more I thought about it the more I thought about Alice in Wonderland. I fell down the rabbit hole that was the wizarding world. I heard my favorite line, "We're all mad here."  
I was mad. I was crazy. I was also angry. I was a freak. I didn't fit in, in either world. Petunia was right. I wasn't normal. I was a mudblood here, and a freak there. I just wanted to be normal.

On Wednesday morning I woke up and Madame Pomfrey handed me my school robes and said, "Here you are."  
"What?"  
"You're discharged. There's nothing wrong with you Miss Evans. You're fine physically."  
"Are you sure I couldn't just stay another day?"  
"No. You cannot. I have your timetable right here. You have an easy day today, just double Potions and Charms. You can go eat breakfast now and then you have an off period before Potions. Get dressed, go."  
She whisked the curtain shut and said, "Five minutes Evans!"  
I changed slowly and when I was done I sat on the bed and waited for my five minutes to be up. Madame Pomfrey opened the curtain, handed me my books and my rucksack before shooing me out of the hospital wing. I moved lethargically down to the Great Hall. I sat next to Remus and he greeted me warmly. I gave a tired smile and took food that I wouldn't eat before cracking open the list of assignments Remus kept for me while I was in the hospital. I looked for the Charms and Potions assignments since those were due today. I knew I could do the Potions one without looking anything up and the Charms one would be fairly simple. I needed seven inches on taste changing charms so I tapped Remus on the shoulder and pointed at the Charms assignment.  
"Yes?" he questioned.  
"Your book?"  
"You need it?"  
I nodded.  
He gave me a weird look but dug it out of his bag and handed it to me. I scribbled furiously and by the time breakfast was over I had nine inches and had figured out all of the charms. I handed my essay to Remus and he proofread it.  
"It looks great Lily. Do you have a free period right after this?"  
I nodded as I began an essay on Wolfsbane Potion and learned that I would have to prepare it that day. I groaned inwardly and said, "Remus?"  
"Yes?"  
"Will you partner with me for the potion?"  
He looked around at his friends and they didn't object so he said, "Sure."  
I nodded in thanks and continued my essay. Halfway through my first free period of the day I finished. I went up to the Head common room and found Remus with the other Marauders. He looked at me and said, "Can I help you with something? Are you alright?"  
I shook my head and then nodded and James said, "Um, Evans, if you're feeling up to it, we have Quidditch tonight at five. There's a match on Saturday. If not, then we can get that second year- Sirius what was his name?- to play."  
"I'll play," I answered quickly.  
"Excellent."  
I went to my room and gathered my books. I went to leave the common room and James said, "Lily why don't you wait for us?"  
I looked at him questioningly and he elaborated, "It's just the dungeons, they're in the Slythe-"  
He cut himself off and restarted, "We just don't want you wandering alone if you don't have to."  
"Thank you."

Later I walked down to the dungeons with the Marauders and when we arrived, James paired off with Rachel, I paired up with Remus and Sirius and Peter worked together. Slughorn started us off with the instructions and looked to me. Our eyes locked and I looked away quickly. After instructions he came over to me and patted me on the back and gestured to the hall. I muttered to Remus that I'd be back soon and followed Slughorn.  
I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned away from him. This was the man who headed the House of the students who had tortured me.

"Miss Evans, I can only express my deepest condolences for what happened. I am ashamed to be the Head of Slytherin House after this."  
"It's not your fault."  
"I am sorry nevertheless."  
"Professor, I'd really rather not talk about this. If it's alright, I'd really just like to go finish my Wolfsbane Potion."  
"Of course."

When I got back to my bench Remus said, "So if you could cut up the newt eyes and crush the dragon tooth that would be good."  
I just listened to his instructions for the rest of class, handed in my essay and watched Remus smile when Slughorn announced that we had the best potion. I had absolutely no idea whether it was a pity prize or if we actually did have the best potion.

I walked out of the class with Remus, James, Sirius and Rachel. Peter stayed back for something about extra credit. I felt someone tug my arm and I whirled around, ready to throw a punch. I actually almost did when I saw Snape looking at me.  
"What do you want?" I hissed. "What could you, Severus Snape, possibly want from a mudblood like me?"  
He looked hurt as he said, "I just, I just wanted to see if you were okay."  
"Remus, you guys can go. I need to have a word with Snape."  
Remus and James looked apprehensive and even Sirius thought it wasn't the best idea. Rachel couldn't really grasp what was going on; she just hung on James' arm. I dismissed them again and followed Severus to a secluded, silent part of the corridor.  
"I'm sorry," he said.  
"I don't care."  
"I still needed to tell you."  
"If you were really sorry, you wouldn't still be hanging around the budding Death Eaters! And you- you wouldn't have called me a mudblood."  
"Lily, that was over a year ago."  
"And it still hurt!"  
He threw his arms up in frustration and his sleeve fell down. I caught his arm and shoved his sleeve all the way up until I saw the entire thing. Severus Snape had the dark mark.  
"It's not what it looks like."  
"Well, it looks like Voldemort's bloody marking."  
"So it is what it looks like, but Lily, I can expl-"  
As he said this, I had the desire to punch him in the face, so I did. Then I did it again, and again. I realized I would likely be given some sort of therapy if someone found Snape like this so I muttered, "Episkey," and fixed his nose.  
"I was never here, we never talked, your nose is fine, and if you ever talk to me again, about anything, you will regret it."  
Then, I walked away, away from the person who told me I was a witch, away from the person who told me he loved me even if my sister didn't, away from one of the first people who mattered.


	11. I Was Okay Before

(Remus POV)  
I left Lily with the Marauders and then I left them to go find Tonks. I knew she had a free period and I hoped she was in the Gryffindor common room. I enjoyed spending time with her. I knew it had only been a few days but I really liked her. The Fat Lady let me in and I found her sitting on the couch. I jumped over the back of the sofa and landed next to her. I placed my bookbag on the ground and looked at her. I knew she knew I was there by the small smile on her face but she was refusing to acknowledge me.

I cleared my throat multiple times and when she continued to ignore me I took away her book, much to her protest. I grinned at her and she smiled.  
"Um, can we talk Remus?"

Internally I was panicking but I said, "Sure, go."  
She looked around and said, "Not here."  
"Come on, I know where."  
She followed me out of the common room and I took her to the Head Dorms. Lily was sitting in the common room. I directed Tonks to where my room was and promised I'd be up in a minute. I sat down next to Lily and she looked up at me. She had been crying. She had cried more this year than she had in the entire time I had known her.  
"I punched Snape."  
"Congrats! Nice one!"  
"No, Remus. I punched my best friend."  
"No, you punched a piece of Death Eater army. He's not your friend anymore."  
"I wish he were."  
"That would require a major personality change from one of you. I personally hope it would be him. You shouldn't ever change."  
"Thanks Remus. You can go see Tonks. I'll be okay. I always am."  
What did that mean; 'I'll be okay, I always am.'

I found Tonks sitting in the middle of my bed. "Hi," she said nervously.  
"Hi. So, what did you want to talk about?"  
"Us."  
"What about us?"  
"What are we? I mean, we're not dating are we?"  
"I thought we were 'going out.' The phase between dating and being friends where people figure out if they really, actually like each other. I like you, a lot."  
"I like you too."  
And then before I knew what I was doing, I was leaning in to kiss her. My lips rested on her immobile ones for a moment, and right before I went to pull away she placed a hand on my shoulder and held me there. I felt relief wash over me. As I leaned in for the kiss, I didn't know if she would push me away or what. I was overjoyed to know she wanted me there. I pulled away first and saw her looking down at her lap. She was a bit embarrassed.  
"I'm sorry," she murmured  
"What do you mean?"  
"You're probably used to much better kissers than me."  
"I don't really make a habit of snogging random slags."  
"I never said you did. I just meant, you've probably had girls who could-"  
"I've never had a serious girlfriend."  
"Sirius Black is your best friend. How can you not have had a girlfriend?"  
"That. Sirius Black I my best friend. The girls all fawn over him."  
"I don't. But I mean, nothing?"  
"Nothing serious or committed. The longest relationship I had was a week long. We got together after a one night stand and then broke up when she thought I slept with someone else, even though I didn't. And you?"  
"I'm thirteen."  
"Right, forgot about that."  
"You know I have an older brother in your year?"  
"Yeah, Aaron right?"  
she nodded, "he said he'll kill you if you're just using me."  
"Tonks, I swear I'm not. I really like you."  
"I know that, and you know that, but Aaron doesn't believe much, so I just passed the message along."  
I laughed and said, "I also know that Sirius will kill me. He's quite protective of you, you know."  
"I didn't until just now. And Remus, don't think that because you're older than me that you get to treat me like a child."  
"I wouldn't dream of it."  
She said, "Um, I have to go see Riley before Transfiguration. She needs help with her essay or something."  
I smiled at her and walked her out of the common room before sitting down next to Lily again, determined to finish our conversation from before.  
"So, I didn't want to leave you high and dry before."  
"I'm fine," she choked out.  
"No you're not," I responded. "You just lost your best friend. You can't be okay."  
"I didn't lose my best friend; I lost a Death Eater in disguise."  
"Lily, if you're saying that because of what I said-"  
"It's not that, it's the fact that Severus Snape is a complete git, and I should've known better than to be friends with him the second he was sorted into Slytherin."  
"No, you can be friends with people in other-"  
"Slytherin's reputation exists for a reason. How's Tonks?" she asked.

"She's fine, but don't change the subject."  
"I was stupid, if I thought a Slytherin and a Mudblood could be friends."  
"Don't call yourself that!" I exclaimed.

"It's what I am."  
"You are a witch Lily Evans! You are not a mudblood. You have magic running through your veins. Don't think less of yourself because of a few idiots."  
"Idiotic as they may be, they tortured me, and they got expelled from Hogwarts for it. That was a huge risk for a false statement; there must have been a shred of truth to it."  
"There wasn't," I promised.  
"Can we just drop this Remus?"  
I sighed and gave in.  
"I was born into a muggle family. I am muggleborn," she concluded. "I was a target, and I will always be. I should just accept it."  
I shrugged and we walked to Professor Flitwick's classroom. He called Lily aside before class started and I tried to listen in, but only caught snippets that didn't give me any real information. Then I caught, "Listen, I did the assignment from Monday, I checked it, I know the charms, and I am handing in my essay, just like everyone else will do. Don't patronize me because I am fine."  
She then slapped her essay down on Flitwick's desk and stalked to her seat next to me.  
The entire class, including myself stared at her and she barked, "What are you all looking at?!"  
Everyone turned away from her, the Slytherins snickered and Mulciber cast a hex at Lily which I blocked before roaring, "Why in the name of Merlin would you try to hex her?! Her back was turned, it was inappropriate and some of –"

Lily flicked her wand and my voice was gone. She made it seem like I was done yelling, before I said something stupid. Flitwick looked stunned, but he just scribbled on some parchment and said, "Mulciber, your presence is expected in the Potions lab by Professors Dumbledore and Slughorn. Go."  
Then Flitwick's parchment landed in front of me. It read, "You're lucky Miss Evans is able to perform a silent silencing charm; otherwise McGonagall would have your head."


	12. I Was Loved

(James POV)  
At Quidditch practice, even though she said she would be there, I was genuinely surprised to see Lily in the locker room. I decided I would go easy on her. If she was getting rubbish from the Slytherin pureblood supremacists, she wouldn't appreciate me giving her more. I couldn't be mad at her. She had been some ordeal, and I honestly didn't know what had happened; just that she had been in the hospital wing, and she didn't need me giving out commands and putting her through more. And beside the point, I was finally willing to accept the fact that Lily Evans was no longer the girl I fell in love with.  
She was no longer interested in fighting with me. She was still as intelligent as ever, but she was closed off about anything and everything. At practices in the weeks prior to the incident she did not speak unless spoken to, and she did everything without question. I realized I wasn't likely going to get anywhere with her.  
As I started up practice Evans did everything she was supposed to and when she went to do the extra exercises I usually made her do I stopped her and she looked mildly confused, but still did not question anything. I let her go for water while everyone else stretched and she was even more confused. She still didn't ask why though.

After practice she cornered me in the locker room while I was still getting dressed.  
"Hi Lily," I greeted her amicably as I pulled my shirt over my head and then cleaned my glasses on it. "Can I help you with something?"  
"What the hell kind of a game are you playing Potter?"  
"I don't know what you're talking about Lily," I replied, picking up my broom and my bag. I started to walk and when she didn't follow I said, "Well, come on then. Dinner's going to be gone if we don't get going."  
"What are you doing?"  
"Going to get food before Sirius eats it all."  
"James!"  
"Lily!" I mimicked and chuckled.  
"What is going on with you?"  
"I just told you."  
"No, I mean, why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?"  
"How do you mean?"  
"I didn't have to do any of your usual ridiculous exercises today and you let me get water before everyone- Are you doing this because of what happened in Hogsmeade last weekend?"  
"I don't know what happened in Hogsmeade this weekend."  
"James, I need you to stop screwing with my head, this instant."  
"Lily, I'm not messing with your head. I'm just your Quidditch captain."  
"You're also the boy who used to play pranks on me, and ask me out, and flirt with me, and make fun of me! What happened?"  
"I can't exactly flirt with you."  
"Why not?!"  
"I'm dating Rachel. That wouldn't exactly be polite of me, now would it?"  
She drew a breath in, "What happened to you? James, I used to wish, every single night, that you would change, and now that I need you to stay the same, you're done with me?"  
"Lily, you're not exactly the same now either. You can't tell me to stay the same."  
"You don't know what I've been through. You have no idea."  
"You're right. I have absolutely no idea what has been going on with Lily Evans since ever. You have never given me a chance to be let in. I would have been there for everything, but I wasn't."  
"Don't blame me!"  
"I'm not, not even in the slightest," I soothed.  
Then, Lily Evans began to cry. I had seen her on the brink so many times, mostly because of me, but still, she always blinked the tears away before anything extreme came of them.  
She hissed at me through clenched teeth, "Why are you doing this to me?"  
"Lily, I don't know what you're talking about."  
"No! I can't take it anymore. James, I am totally, utterly tired of you, and your rubbish. I think you hate me. You never liked me, and you are just messing with me," she sobbed.  
I sighed; it was clear that neither of us would be eating dinner by a decent hour. I sat next to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. We sat together for I don't even know how long until she calmed down. She looked up at me with those brilliant green eyes of hers and sniffled as she wiped a few tears from the corners of her eyes. I reached up and caught the ones falling from her cheeks.

She stood up and backed away.  
I looked up at her and said, "I'm sorry."  
"For what?" she snarled.  
"For whatever it is that is making you feel like rubbish," I clarified. "I know it's none of my business, so if you don't want to tell me, it's fine."  
"I'll tell you something, if you tell me something."  
"I'll try. What do you want to know?"  
"Do you care about me anymore?"  
There were three ways to answer this, and I had to think carefully. Option A: Tell her I was still in love with her. Option B: Tell her I would always care about her. Option C: Tell her she was right, and that I was screwing with her head.  
"I never really cared about you. I just wanted to see if I could get you," was my answer.  
"That's what I thought. I knew you didn't like me. And I guess I'm okay with that."  
"Who are you, and what have you done with Lily Evans?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Lily, if that were really you, you would have lost it on me and hexed me ten ways to Sunday. You would have been furious that I have been messing with you for six years."  
"I'm tired. I'm too tired to keep doing this, whatever _this_ is. I can't keep being beaten down, over and over, so if you're done, I will welcome it with open arms."  
"Well, I'm sorry, but I do still care about you."  
"Do you care that I was tortured?"  
"What?"  
"In Hogsmeade, I was tortured by Avery and his buddies."  
"I care that you got hurt. You didn't deserve that."  
"Maybe, I did."  
"You don't. This is how I know you have changed."  
"How?"  
"You used to never let anyone just steamroll you-"  
"That-"  
"There's more. You always had some fire in you, you always had a twinkle in your eye, you were more vibrant, and lively and you were so, so easy to row with. I knew I would be able to count on you for a row anytime, anywhere."  
"Anything else?" she asked bitterly.  
"Yeah, I used to think I loved you."


	13. I Was Sick Of It

(Lily POV)  
"Don't say that James."  
"I don't think it's true anymore."  
"It can't be; you have a girlfriend."  
"It might be true," he said, referring to the fact that he used to love me. "I mean, I don't even like Rachel. We're not serious. She thinks we are, but we aren't really."  
"Stop talking James, before you say something you really regret."  
"No. For the past month, I've been trying to convince myself that I don't really like you. Hell, I just told you I don't anymore, but I think I do."  
"I have to go," I managed to get out.

James reached out and caught my wrist and pulled me close to him. I saw him leaning in, and I knew what was coming next, so I kicked him in the stomach and brandished my wand.  
"No," I seethed. "You do not get to do that! After all this time and torment, and all those other girls-"  
"Who meant nothing to me," he interjected.  
"You do not get to tell me you think you love me and then try to kiss me. I'm tired of your rubbish."  
I effectively rendered James Potter totally, utterly speechless and I took that as my opportunity to leave.  
I slung my bag over my shoulder and followed the patch back up to the castle, leaving him in the dust and in a state of shock. I looked at my watch and saw it was too late for dinner in the Great Hall so I headed up to the Head Dorms and found Sirius and Peter sitting on the couch while Tonks and Remus were cuddled up on an armchair.  
Remus and Tonks greeted me, Peter nodded and Sirius asked where James was.  
"Evening," I nodded. "Potter's out by the Quidditch pitch. Where's your map?"  
"What map?"  
"What map?" I mimicked. Sirius drew it from his robes and handed it to me.  
"You just have to-"  
"I solemnly swear I am up to no good," I cut him off.  
"Potter's still out at the pitch," I informed him. "I am going to get food from the kitchens. Tell James I brought him some."  
I climbed out of the portrait hole and used the map to make my way down to the kitchens. I figured I'd get James some food just to try to make up for our fight. I didn't feel like talking anymore since I was talking in circles and I couldn't keep doing that. And hey, James liked food a little bit more than he liked talking to me I figured. I politely asked the nearest elf, Tinkers, for two helpings of tonight's left-overs. She was more than eager to help me and when she returned with the food she asked if I needed anything else and bid me a good-night. I got back up to the Head common room without any difficulty, muttered, "Mischief managed," gave James his food, and hurried up to my room before he could say anything.

As I ate slowly, I pondered about what had happened this evening. James was right. I never let him know anything about me. But he didn't need to know anything about me. We weren't dating; we weren't even friends. He didn't need to know that I was depressed, that my mum was dead, that my father was barely there, not that I knew anything about him, considering he was with Petunia and Vernon now. He couldn't take care of himself.  
I thought it was my fault that he wasn't okay now. I had only ever told him about the good magic. He didn't know about the Unforgivable Curses, and when he found out about them was when the Death Eaters used them on my mum. It was like a constant form of PTSD. It never stopped. He was permanently shell shocked. That was how I left him when I came to Hogwarts. I'd been writing to Petunia and Vernon since then, but I never got answers. I shuddered as I shoved my plate onto the night stand and pushed back my covers to go to sleep. I'd shower in the morning.

_"__Mum, Dad," I called out. "I'm home."  
No response. I wandered into the sitting room and I saw them. I saw the two Death Eaters; one with his wand at my father's throat, preventing him from moving while the other tortured my mother.  
"REDUCTO!" I bellowed. The one standing with my father blew into the wall and went unconscious and I hollered at my father to owl the Ministry. The one that was still conscious switched from the Cruciatus curse to the Imperius Curse. She was forced to attack my father. "Stop it!" I cried.  
"Gorgeous," I heard from behind the Death Eater's mask. "You have two choices; either I have your mum kill your father and then maybe I'll kill her, or I kill her now."  
"Stop it!"  
"You've got it. Avada Kedavra," he said easily, producing a flash of green light that killed my mother.  
"NO! You arse!"  
"That's the best you've got."  
I sent a stunning spell at him without speaking and he flew backwards. I should've gone then, but I didn't. I threw myself on top of him and pounded at him until my knuckles bled. Then he resorted to my Muggle warfare as well as he pulled out a switchblade. I was sure they carried those around to make their magical murders seem ordinary. He rolled me over and made an incision starting at my collar bone and he cut through my shirt, down just over my breast. That was where I screamed, "Reducto."  
He went spinning backwards and before he could regain his bearings I threw the knife at him, and myself across the room and caught my father by the shirt before apparating away to St. Mungo's.  
A healer immediately took us into separate rooms and worked on healing my cut.  
"Was that your father dear?" she asked softly. I nodded and she said, "Can you tell me what happened?"  
"Her face changed between awe and horror as I retold the tale of my mother's death and the escape of me and my father.  
"You go to Hogwarts, is that right?"_

_I nodded, and she said, "We'll owl Professor Dumbledore."  
"No, don't bother him with this."  
"It's already been done."  
I sighed and asked about my father. "He'll pull through physically, but he might be emotionally scarred. Are there any other relatives that might able to take care of him if he doesn't recover fully?"  
"Owl my sister, Petunia Dursley," I swallowed the name bitterly. "Just make sure her husband isn't notified. He doesn't take too kindly to magic."  
She nodded and finished healing my cut. "There will always be a small scar, but it won't be too noticeable. You're just lucky no major arteries were caught."  
Dumbledore entered right then and asked the Healer to leave while he spoke to me.  
"Hello Miss Evans," he said softly.  
"Good evening Professor."  
"First, I must state how terribly sorry I am for your loss, but I must commend your emotional strength in dealing with it."  
I barked out a laugh. "I'm not dealing with it yet Professor. I'm thinking about how I'm going to go back to school with my dad like this. Call me selfish, but that's what I'm doing."  
"You're not selfish."  
I looked at him and he adjusted his answer, "Maybe a little, but you're thinking of your father still. Now, if you would like, I could help make the arrangements for your mother."  
I began to hold back tears as I realized my mother wasn't mentally scarred like my dad; she was dead. I nodded and said, "Thank you Professor. That would be lovely."  
"What did you intend on doing with your father?"  
"I've asked them to owl my sister and I was going to figure it out with her, I guess."  
"Is this the sister who mailed me about coming to Hogwarts with you?"  
I chuckled at the thought of Petunia wanting to be magical, "The very same."  
"I very much look forward to meeting her Miss Evans."  
I shrugged and he said, "I hate to ask you this so soon, but do you know who the Death Eaters were?"_

_"__I don't, but I threw a knife at one of them."  
"How does that help?"  
I pulled down my shirt collar and said, "It was the same knife. I presume it's cursed and leaves a mark. They're not still there?"  
"I stopped by before coming to see you. There was one there, unconscious, your doing I presume, and I took your mother's body after the Minister arrived and took the one Death Eater into custody."  
"But you caught one? Can't you just use Veritaserum to question him?"  
"It's a possibility, but quite frequently, the Death Eaters do not know who they are paired up with so as not to reveal the other's identity in the manner you just described. I believe your sister is here, so I'll leave you two alone."_


	14. I Was Found Out

_(_Remus POV)  
After Lily left Tonks and I got up with Sirius to go find James. I held her hand as we walked down to the secret passage that led out to the Quidditch pitch. James was sitting on the ground and Sirius approached him first. He crouched down in front of him and waved me and Tonks over. I sat down and Tonks leaned against me as I had my arm casually thrown around her shoulders.  
Sirius spoke, "What happened mate?"  
"I blew it. I blew everything."  
"How?" I asked.

"Evans came up to me after practice to talk to me."  
"What about?" Sirius asked.  
"I'm not exactly sure. She was all mad at me about how I was treating her."  
Tonks interrupted, "She was confused because you were being super easy on her instead of being super hard on her."  
"So we rowed quite a bit, about how I've changed, and she's one to talk because she's changed as well, and I don't know about her, and then she cried. Then she thought I hated her and I told her she was right, I was just messing with her head and she said she was okay with it. I told her that she really had changed because of that reaction and then I told her I used to love her. Then I told her I thought I did still and then I tried to kiss her and she left."  
"You did blow it," Sirius concluded.

"What do I do?" James asked.  
"Firstly," Tonks began. "Don't try to kiss her again. If she brings it up, then talk about it, but if she doesn't, then don't. Be kind to her, and don't play games with her head. And don't tell me you don't, because all of us know you do. Secondly, don't try to overcompensate with Rachel to prove to Lily that you love her."  
"Anything else?"  
"Yeah, be how you want to feel. As much as she would hate to admit it, she knows you too bloody well, and knows if you're not expressing your real feelings."  
I patted her on the back, thoroughly impressed with her analysis of the scenario. Sirius pulled James to his feet and urged him to come back to the common room. He promised him food from Lily and that made him slightly more eager to come back, but then halfway up he said, "But wait, if she's going to be there, then she's going-"  
"-To bring you food," I interrupted.

Tonks and Sirius chuckled, and the latter kept pulling James up to the castle. I murmured in Tonks ear, "I'm glad that you and I weren't like that."  
She smiled, "You're too good and kind to me for that."  
I moved my arm from around her shoulders to around her waist. I always kept in my mind that she was thirteen, and something that I did could make her uncomfortable even though a girl my age would be fine with it. However, in response to this she too wrapped an arm around me and leaned against me. I smiled down at her, gosh she was tiny. I was nearly a foot taller than her, and I wasn't necessarily all that tall. However she could change her height at will, and she was only thirteen. We made it back to the Head Common Room and James was still rambling about how he still thought he liked Rachel, but maybe if he broke up with her then Lily would see that he really liked her.  
"James, you can't live your life based off of Lily Evans."  
"Remus," he answered slowly. "I think that I could settle for even being friends with her. She is just someone I want in my life."  
"You may say that now, but as soon as you and Rachel break up, you're falling in love with Lily Evans again."  
"I will always love her, but I guess I'll just have to pretend I'm not."  
We heard the portrait hole open and stopped talking. Lily set food down in front of James and said a brief good night to me. I returned the gesture and we waited for her dorm door to close before we continued.  
Sirius said, "You need to snap out of it, and realize that that girl that just handed you food, she is too unstable. One minute she's playing Quidditch, and the next she's yelling at you, and then bringing you food! You don't need that!"  
"Maybe you're right Sirius," James sighed. "Maybe I was just hoping she would realize that she needed me."  
"Lily Evans is at the top of our class, apparently is athletic, has a nice family, and could charm anyone she wants to," I answered. "She doesn't need you for anything."  
"She needs me to have fun."  
"Maybe, but perhaps she doesn't wan-"  
"She needs to have fun Remus."  
I conceded.  
He finished his food and said that he was going to bed. I said, "The map's in Lily's room."  
"Why?"  
"She went to get food, didn't she? Accio Marauder's map."  
It flew down the stairs to my hand and I passed it to James. Tonks stood and yawned.  
"I'm going back too," she said. "Good night." She leaned down and kissed me, eliciting an "Eww," from Sirius and James. She stuck her tongue out at them, earning her a playful teammate punch from her captain.

* * *

The next few weeks passed without incident, unless you count me noting to Lily that she looked thin and her yelling at me to mind my own business an incident. And also, James and Sirius decided to plan a party. It was November 28 when I found out, and they wanted it for the day before holiday break, which was December 20. I was a little worried. They did this last year, and half the Gryffindors nearly missed the train. And the ones unfortunate enough to go on the train were woken up hung over by an unamused Professor McGonagall who is still convinced that Steven Johnson who graduated last year was responsible for the alcohol. I laughed at the memory. This Hogsmeade trip was to gather the alcohol and I had convinced Lily to get the food from the house elves over time. She would freeze the food and thaw it the night of the party.  
She said she only did it because I asked, but I think she needed an opportunity to unwind. Whatever, she was helping. I had worried about her a significant amount already, and what she did on the first day of December confirmed my suspicions. We were in Potions after breakfast, during which she ate nothing. She was slicing newt livers and the knife slipped and sliced open her wrist. She didn't even flinch as her blood flowed over our work bench.  
"Lily," I exclaimed, drawing the attention of everyone in the room. Slughorn hurried over to her and began healing her cut. He said, "Lupin, I trust you can clear this up."  
I nodded and he took Lily out of the room. I'm not sure where she went but when she came back she glared at me and hissed, "Did you really have to do that?"  
"Do what?"  
"Get everyone's attention like that?"  
"I'm sorry," I whispered, annoyed. "I just thought that the teacher might want to know if his favorite student slit her wrist."  
"I didn't slit my wrist; the knife slipped."  
She usually hung back after class and today I did the same so that I could talk to her. Slughorn and all the other students had left. I said, "When you did that I saw the rest of your wrist, and I know what scars look like Lily."  
"Shut up Remus, right now, if you know what's good for you."  
"I hope you know that what you're doing isn't healthy for-"  
"Shut up, Remus. I'm fine."  
"No you're not; you are starving yourself, and you are hurting yourself and Lil-"  
"I have to go. I'm tutoring someone."  
"Cut the crap," I called at her back. "You're not okay!"

She flipped me off and kept walking away. I was frustrated with her. She needed help and I wanted her to get it, but clearly she wasn't taking that for an answer. I caught her again at lunch and said, "Lily if this is because of what happened in Hogsmeade, you know that Avery knows-"  
"Remus, I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have told you to shut up."  
"And I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have to you you're not okay. What happened?"  
"Screw off."

The next day I woke up with an envelope on my bedside table. I opened it and when I did I gasped. It was Lily Evans' file. Since it was Saturday, and I had nowhere to be, I began reading. It started with all the magical things she had done as a child and her relationship with Snape. Now I understood why Snape meant so much to Lily. Then it talked about all of her accomplishments from first through fourth year. I saw her O.W.L. scores. Perfect O's as she had told me, even though I didn't believe her. She had passed her Apparition test on the first try. I was quite impressed.  
I read on, and I found out her mother was deceased, and her father was not right, she hadn't seen him since her sister took him in, away from Lily's magical influences. I now knew where her problems started. Now, I needed to figure out who gave me this information. The envelope gave no clues.


	15. I Was Wasted

(Lily POV)  
The day before everyone left for holiday was a Tuesday. After my classes I was hustling around to defrost and set up all the food I told Remus I would. I thought doing that would help to convince him that I was okay, even after the Potions episode, which was totally fine.

I taught Tonks the spell and set her to work helping me out. There hadn't been a party in a while since Gryffindor hadn't been in any Quidditch matches. There wasn't any shortage of practices though. On the bright side, James had found a happy medium between torturing me and babying me. I hadn't spoken to him about anything more than Quidditch plays, and things were kind of nice that way. James was a good captain, as much as I hated to admit it.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around and looked into a sweat vest and Gryffindor tie. I looked up until I found Harrison Bennet looking down at me. I suspected the tall, blue-eyed, sixth-year Chaser fancied me. He was always talking to me and volunteering to demonstrate the Keeper- Chaser plays with me. It was nice; I liked the attention. Now, one might argue, "but James gives you attention." No, James harasses me. Harrison spoke to me, and made me laugh on rare occasion. I wasn't sure why he liked me, but he did, so I let him.  
"Is there anything I can help you with Lily?"  
"Um, sure. If you go over by Tonks, there's a huge stack of frozen food, so if you could defrost, that would be awesome."  
"Alright, and then bring it over to you?"  
"Yeah. If I'm not around just leave it over here and I'll come back to it," I answered easily. He smiled, but I could tell from his walk that he was a little disappointed, and when Remus sat down next to Tonks and kissed her cheek, he looked lonely. I started thinking that I would be able to get something out of this, so I figured I'd play along. I went over to them and said, "It looks like there's a lot of food. I'll help you guys out."

Harrison scooted closer to me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him look at me so I gave a smile, letting him know it was okay. I saw Remus eying us suspiciously and when Harrison wasn't looking, I glared at him. He put his hands up in surrender.  
"So Harrison, are you spending the holiday at Hogwarts?" Remus asked.  
"Yeah, I am sadly. My parents don't really want me travelling if I can help it. But hey, it could be worse. Are you staying?"  
He nodded and Tonks said, "If the six of us are staying, it's bound to be good."  
"Six?" Harrison asked.  
"The four of us, James, and Sirius," she explained.  
"Oh, I didn't know Lily was staying."  
"Yeah, I don't get along with my sister much. I'd be staying with her and her husband, who detests _anything_ abnormal," I elaborated.

* * *

Later as the party was in full swing, I broke my rules. This is how. I took an entire bottle of firewhiskey and started downing it. My arms raised above my head, let my toned stomach show as my too-short-shirt rode up, and then I let myself dance with Sirius Black. As his lips slobbered all over my neck, I knew he was too drunk to realize who he was dancing with, or too drunk to care at the very least, but I wasn't. Not yet anyway. I kept drinking and after a while I let someone pull me away from Sirius and to a couch, where they had been pushed out of the way. I looked into kind, but drunk, blue eyes. Harrison.  
I smiled broadly and said, "Hi!"  
He laughed at me and pulled me closer to him. This was going exactly where I was hoping. I figured shagging someone might get me out of my funk, because nothing else had; not being Head Girl, not being on the Quidditch team, not missing Christmas with the Dursleys, not maintaining perfect marks.  
I talked jovially with Harrison until I noticed him starting to lean in. Then, I took the lead and closed the distance between our lips. It was great. He was a fantastic kisser. He sat back against the couch as I crawled onto his lap. I knew I was going to have fun. He was trying to be dominant, but not too dominant. Kind of cute.  
Then he pulled away and asked, "Dorms?"  
I nodded mischievously and took his hand as we stood up. Then, someone killed my- our buzz.  
James Potter.  
"Just what the bloody hell do you think you're doing Bennet?"  
"Hmm?"  
"What are you doing? Taking a drunk girl- Lily!- to your room?"  
He nodded and James said, "No, you're not!"  
"Yes, he is!" I cut in, totally aware of how drunk I sounded. I knew I was hammered, and irrational, but I just needed one night of fun. One night, and then I would let reality come back. I would let myself be sad, I would study, I would go back to who I was, but I needed this, more than anyone knew.

"No, I don't allow this, or dating between teammates."  
"Why?" Harrison asked.  
"Because when something happens it ruins the whole team dynamic."  
"Prove it."  
He rattled off a list of flings that ended poorly in other houses.  
Then I cut him off, "But it would have been okay if you shagged me, I'm guessing?"  
His jaw dropped, and I said, "That's what I thought."  
Rachel came up and said, "Just let them be stupid, Jamesie."  
I silently gagged at her name for him, but was grateful as she dragged him off.  
Harrison giddily led me up to his dorm and to his bed.  
He kept snogging me, but as things carried on, I wondered what the other sixth year boys would think if they walked in on their friend messing around with a girl. I backed off, pulled the curtains of the four poster shut, and muttered a few silencing spells. He smiled, "You're too smart, and way too good at this."  
I winked and pulled him back to my lips by his shirt. He was only too eager to reciprocate.

* * *

I woke up the next morning cloaked in darkness and with a weight on my chest. A literal weight though. As I gained my bearings, ignored the taste of stale alcohol on my breath, and remembered the previous night I realized that I'd slept with Harrison. I looked down at my chest. A sheet was over it and on top of the sheet was Harrison. My left hand was threaded through his right while his left arm was wrapped around me, under the sheet. I took my right arm and ran my fingers through his hair. I smiled at the sensation. Lily Evans didn't make long term relationships a thing. Usually I'd be out of here by now, but maybe I could get used to it. Maybe Harrison could make it bearable. Maybe, I'd be okay.

I looked down at Harrison again and saw his eyelids fluttering. I smiled at him as he realized everything.  
"Merlin, did we- and did you- I'm sorry- no wait," he babbled, until I cut him off by pressing our lips together.  
He pulled away and said, "We did?"  
I nodded and he went, "My head hurts."  
"You got drunk."  
"I figured. How are you okay? You must have been drunker than me to do this."  
"I don't get hangovers."  
"That's impossible."  
"I don't get them, or I don't feel them or something."  
"You make a habit of getting wasted?"  
"If the mood strikes me, I guess."  
"I don't know why everyone thinks you're a good girl, I mean, here you are, shagging random sixth- year, after getting drunk."  
"You're not some random sixth- year. I happen to like you as more than a friend."  
His face lit up as he asked, "Really?"  
I nodded at my lie, in total disbelief that he just ate it up, and didn't question it. He moved to sit up and he kissed the top of my head before peering out the curtains and saying, "Good, everyone is gone already."  
I looked at my watch, "It's eight thirty."  
He pulled on some clothes and helped me collect mine from the previous night. They smelled like alcohol, but I sucked it up and kissed Harrison before I explained that I had to go to the Head Dorms and find Tonks.  
"Wait, are we a thing now?"  
"I don't know. Let's just see how this goes. I had fun last night though. I'll see you around."


End file.
